i'm not perfect, but this is MY life.

I'm writing this for 2 reasons. 1. I'm tired of seeing/hearing people talk trash about this and 2. It is my life and I shouldn't have to live with secrets for fear that friends/family will disown me. So, if you feel you are disgusted with me after my posting of this, delete me from Facebook, delete my number from your phone, forget I exist. This goes for friends AND family.

First thing I want to talk about: abortion. I don't ever see an in between with this controversial topic. You are either Pro-Life or Pro-Choice. Some people have the decency to be civil with people who are on the other end. Since, you know, everyone is entitled to their opinion. But when you have friends/family who make you feel like crap over having an opinion, that is when something needs to change. I am Pro-Choice. I feel that, as long as it is done in the legal allotted time, this is a personal decision that nobody should be criticized for. You don't know a specific persons struggles. You don't know if they CAN survive a pregnancy. So DON'T freaking judge someone before you know their story. The ONLY time I am against abortion would be if someone continually uses it as birth control. In that case, they are just too lazy to use contraceptives. So why am I talking about this issue? BECAUSE I HAVE HAD AN ABORTION. There, I said it. Now, here is my story. Like I said, if you want to judge me because of it, then forget I exist. If you feel the need to express your opinion to me before you forget I exist, I welcome it. But just know it's going to go in one ear and out the other and I could care less what you have to say about me. Once again, it is MY life, MY story, MY decisions.

Chris is the first and only guy I have ever had sex with. I was on birth control AND we used a condom, and I still got pregnant. This was only 5 months after we'd been together and I knew we were in no position to raise a child. I did not tell him it was positive, although he knew I took the test. I went and had the abortion with my own money, on my own time, and told him about a week or so after I had done it. He agreed that it was the best for us. By the way, I was only about 6 weeks along. It was still an embryo. I was 18 years old, living in a 1 bedroom apartment with the guy I'd been seeing for less than half a year. Although we had been EXTREMELY careful, I still got pregnant. So, nobody can say I used this as a 'birth control' option. You might be asking 'why not just go through with the pregnancy and put the baby up for adoption?' Because I was scared, felt alone, felt like my family and Chris's family would disown me to have been pregnant. Now I feel they will disown because I aborted it. And let me just tell you, for those of you thinking I'm a selfish bitch for doing this and that I had/have no heart for it: this was the single hardest decision I've EVER had to make in my life. But I do not regret it. I KNOW it was what was right for me. And can I just point out, that I had confided in very minimal friends about this all to be slandered over it. NONE of my family or Chris's family even knows that this pregnancy and abortion ever happened. Until now, if they read this blog. I don't want to feel like I have to hide from anyone anymore. I can understand someone being upset with me over it, but they need to realize that this was our choice. And if people feel the need to disown us over this, of course we will be sad. But that is their choice. As much as I hope it doesn't happen on either the friend or family spectrum, I know it is bound to. So go ahead and call me a baby killer, heartless, whatever you feel like. But if you don't think that I think about this every single day, you are very wrong. Like I said, I don't regret it because I know it was the right thing for us, but there are always 'what if's' that come up.

Next discussion: miscarriage. I recently had someone tell me that I will NEVER be able to console someone who has been through a miscarriage, because I haven't been there before. Wrong again. A week and a half ago, I had a miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I've been on birth control since I was cleared after Conner was born, and I have never missed a pill. When we were on emergency leave, I had a weird 3 day spotting, but not enough blood to even wear a pantyliner. I took an EPT in Illinois and it was negative. I decided that it was just due to all the stress. In March I had what seemed like a very short period. I started spotting again though about a week after my period stopped. Then all of a sudden I started cramping really bad after we moved in to this place. Thursday (31st of March) I was cramping so bad I could barely sleep. Then Friday morning I passed a few clots, which whatever, sometimes you have those during a period and I thought I was just having a messed up cycle from the irregular period in February. Keep in mind, I was still taking my BC normally. Later Friday morning I passed something that initially looked like a clot (and this might sound gross) but after I cleaned it off, it was not a clot. It was a small rubbery textured thing. Tel-a-Nurse told me it sounds like I had a miscarriage. I told her there was no way I was pregnant, took another EPT which was negative. Later that night I passed a second rubbery thing. I went and got a blood test. My levels were very low, meaning yes, I was pregnant, but I was not very far along at all and the miscarriage was most likely due to the combination of 1. taking BC still, 2. lifting all those heavy things during the move and 3. stress of everything happening recently. My levels are zero now. Oh, and yes, I do see the irony of miscarrying on April 1st since so many people played the 'OMG I'm pregnant... April Fools!' joke. Anyway, I went about my weekend, masking the physical pain of it. Went to a birthday party, hung out with friends for a BBQ, all the while bleeding like I would never stop. It stopped this past Monday but I still have cramps from it. Here is the thing though, my biggest motto in life is that everything happens for a reason. There was some reason that God decided it had to be this way. Of course we are sad about it. I keep telling myself I can't be too upset, since I was not even aware I was pregnant until after I was done passing the baby. In conclusion of this part of it, I DO know how you feel. Nobody is intentionally trying to upset you by telling you things like 'it wasn't meant to be' or 'everything happens for a reason'. They are trying to make you feel better. And while it probably won't make you feel better at the moment, don't be rude to people who are only trying to be there for you.

Now that I've exposed myself, bring on the criticism. To everyone judging me and who don't want to talk to me after this, good riddance. If you really cared about us, you would not make us feel awful for our decisions. 

Love, Me.

new house.

Well, I haven't blogged in a minute. Sorry for the bombardment of videos there, but I got behind on my 30 day song challenge. All caught up now. We moved into our new house on Tuesday. We're still getting everything set up. Went on an adventure last night attempting to find somewhere that had a decently priced desk in stock. Never thought it would take so long to find one. I wasn't too stoked about it being a glass desk, but it's working out pretty well. I just have to clean it every few days haha. Conner is loving his new room. He has the big front room so we left it open and he can access all his toys all the time now. Still not so sure on this basement deal, but I guess I will learn to love it. Big things happening for me. I just want to keep it a secret for now. Then you can all be surprised later on. Don't you hate when someone does that? :) It'll be a good surprise, I promise.

Love, Me.

just checking in.

It's been a few days since I made an actual blog instead of the music challenge. Which, by the way, I failed my own personal goal. I wanted to try to not use the same artist and I ended up doing just that. Go figure! It's fun anyway! Let me play a little catch up here. Chris has been in the field during the week for the last 3 weeks so we've only gotten to see him on weekends. Conner and I just hang out around here most of the time if I don't have any appointments to go to. Yesterday we met up with Liz at the PX for coffee, but ended up just walking around instead. Finally bought Conner a pair of shorts. It's getting a bit hot down here. The pants are becoming too much. Ate at Smashburger for lunch. Went back to her apartment and hung out for a bit. Had some chinese for dinner and then we stayed over at her place. We had a few drinks and had a Glee marathon. I love Glee. She let me borrow the first season, which I have already finished haha! She also lent me a book. 'Lincoln Lawyer'. I've been hearing good reviews about it so I can't wait to start reading it. That is probably what I will do as soon as I am done writing this since Chris is still at the company. 

Yesterday was Chris's birthday. He spent it out in the field. I laughed though because the last 2 birthdays of mine have been spent alone. That's the Army for ya. His parents sent Portillo's down as his gift. Imagine that. We get a little taste of home. :) I haven't opened the box yet since it is his gift. I have been tempted though. It's just sitting there on the table begging to be opened. 

We have to pack the entire apartment this weekend since we move to the new house on Tuesday. I  guess they are letting him off to help me move, but we are hoping they let 1 or 2 other guys off to help us otherwise it's going to be quite interesting for him and I to move this entire house on our own in one day. We have no choice but to do it all in one day. We can't sign the lease for the new house until 11am on the 29th and I have an appointment with the radiologist on the 30th and then have to clean this apartment and have the final walk through by the 31st. So stressful. Oh well, once we get in this house, it should be smooth sailing. 

On a brighter note - regular season baseball starts in just 6 days! I so can't wait to go to the game in June. Speaking of that, just over 2 months before I'm headed back to Chicago! So excited! I'm finally going to get to see some of my friends for the first time in almost 2 years. I'm lucky enough to have some awesome friends. No matter the distance or time apart, I know they are always there. 

I have made a goal for myself to lose 15-20 pounds before I go home. I weighed myself this morning for the first time since my last doctors appointment (which was a week and a half ago) and I'm down 5.3 pounds so far. And that is just from cutting out caffeine. I'm not going to lie though, as I am typing this I am drinking a Pepsi. But it's my first one in a while. And to be quite honest, I've only sipped on about half of it in the past hour and it's not that appealing. I can do this. I hate writing about losing weight because I always bounce between the same 5 pounds, but this time I am below that normal stopping point. It's worth a mention. Well, I guess I will wrap this up for today. Thanks for reading!

Love, Me.

i'm going home!!

Not until June, but I'm going! I have been holding it inside for what feels like forever because there were two things I wanted to make sure I had before I made the official announcement: flight itinerary and my tickets for the first day of crosstown classic! Got the itinerary yesterday and the tickets today. Let me tell you, I was creeping my front door like no other. Anytime I thought I heard a truck, I'd look out the window to see if it was FedEx. And when it was FedEx, he was shocked by how quickly I opened the door. I couldn't tell him I was stalking it. Haha! I'm beyond excited to be going home for almost a month. None of it would be possible if it weren't for Chris's Aunt Kari. Thank you sooooo much! Which is why I am taking her to the game. It will be a fun game. She's a Cubs fan and I'm a White Sox fan. There are so many people I want to see and so many things I want to do. Thankfully I have almost the full month. Crosstown classic, Taste of Chicago, MacKenzi's birthday party, Brody's birthday party. Ahh! Stoked! This delivery has totally made my day. Just over 2 months until I'll be in the city!! 

Love, Me.

blood results.

I forgot to write yesterday to let everyone know the results of the blood work that they had me do before we went on emergency leave. The good news is, I am not diabetic and my thyroid is good. Bad news, we are back to square one with this issue. *Sigh* At this moment though, my doctor thinks the more important issue is figuring out what is wrong with my esophagus, and I totally agree. So for now we are focusing on that and will come back to the weight at a later time. There was a small abnormality that made no sense to me in the blood results. My cholesterol level is a bit high. She asked me if I ate a lot of fried foods, but I don't. She said the good cholesterol levels are balancing out the bad ones though. So no risk for anything there. I just wonder why it showed up a little high. I also got my results from the specialist and the tube procedure. My tonsils are fine and do not need to be removed. The only thing wrong that was noticed in that test was that when I swallow, my esophagus spasms and contracts too much. The next thing I need to do is a barium swallow. That's where they take x-rays while I drink this chalky drink. The x-rays will show them if the liquid is following the normal flow pattern and if there is anything blocking it from going down. I'm not too thrilled about it, but it can't be any worse then having a tube jammed through your nose and down your throat. I actually just called to make the appointment, and the only one available is March 30. That is the day after I sign the lease to the new house. They told me I could call back every day and see if anyone cancels to get me in sooner. As soon as I do that procedure then I will have another appointment with the specialist to go over the results of that and what the next step will be. This whole process is going to suck.

Love, Me.

what a day.

This morning I had my first appointment with the ENT specialist. I had no idea what was going to happen, just that I had the appointment. On my way to William Beaumont Army Medical Center, this poor guy flagged me down right outside the entrance. He had brought his neighbor to WBAMC and his truck ran out of gas. Nobody there had been willing to help, except the security guard who had a gasoline jug but no extra money. This guy is almost in full blown tears on the phone with his wife (they live in Horizon City). I told him I would help. I took him to an ATM and got out money for gas and dropped him off by his truck to wait for the security guard with the gas jug. It made my day knowing I could help. He helped his neighbor, I helped him. Pay it forward. I live by that. 

Anyway, I help this guy and make it to my appointment with time to spare. I get signed in and taken back shortly after. Dr. Werth introduces himself and we go through the whole deal on why I am here, when did this start, etc. Then I about died of shock when he asked 'Have you ever swallowed kerosene or drain-o?'. Um, no.. is this a routine question? It was a routine question apparently for situations like mine. How weird. It just makes you wonder how many people have answered 'yes' to it. At that point he asked another question - 'Have you ever made yourself throw up?'. I dropped my head, started crying, and shook my head yes. Then I told him about the eating disorders, cried some more, and asked if the acid from throwing up could have something to do with this. The answer made me so sad. Yes, it could be part of the problem. I always knew it could have been, but until the doctor said that, I always tried to push that thought out of my head. Something from my past is now haunting my future - again. Great.

Then walks in the nice nurse. In his hand, a tube. Turns out that tube was part of this examination. The doctors shows me a picture of where he is going to insert it and how it will work. He sprays my nose with this local anesthetic and about 5 minutes later it was numb enough to begin. Conner didn't like this part. He thought the doctor was hurting me. And I'm not going to lie, it DID hurt. So he puts this tube through my nose and down into my throat all the way do to my voicebox. He said it spasms a little when I swallow, meaning it contracts too much. However, this doesn't give us an answer of WHY so I have to see another specialist. I have an appointment in the morning with my PCM to go over my blood results and next steps for the possible diabetes and thyroid issues and at that appointment she will decide the next steps for my esophagus. Should be interesting.

After I finished up with the doctor, I headed to the housing office to turn in the paperwork they need for us to move into our new house. Thank God I went in. When I got back there and told them I had all the paperwork ready for them, she told me that they lady I spoke with on the phone during emergency leave (who had told me I had a house and could move in the 18th) didn't actually put us down for that house. Greaaaat. So here I go with the tears again. I tell her I only have until the end of this month to find a place to live. She made a few calls, and viola! A house had now been reserved for us. Still in the same housing area I was promised over the phone, just a different road. The only thing is that this house isn't going to be available until the 29th.. which gives me 2 days to move. And it's during the middle of the week, which means Chris will be in the field and I have to move by myself. Lovely. She gave me an assignment letter to give to his COC when they come back from the field. Now I just have to see if they will actually let him help me move or if I'm on my own.

This has already been an interesting day and it isn't even noon yet.

Love, Me.

we have a house.

It's not a house we own, but it's a house. While we were on emergency leave, someone from Garrison Command called me about the issues I was having with my apartment complex. They had talked to my apartment manager who said I could go to a month-to-month lease. Here's the thing though, I had already paid March rent since we wouldn't be here as we were on emergency leave. With a month-to-month lease, the rent goes up $100. She told them that if I didn't get them the $100 by the end of the business day on March 3rd, we would be locked out of our apartment. Um, hello!? Our emergency leave was not over until MARCH 4TH! And mind you, this call came while we were at the hospital visiting Chris's grandpa. So here I am, sitting in a hospital on the verge of tears thinking I will be locked out of my home when I return to El Paso. So what I did was write my 30 day notice via e-mail. I also wrote one on paper and mailed it, along with a $100 cashier's check, to this stupid manager. I made sure to priority mail it along with getting a delivery confirmation so she couldn't say I never sent it. That was taken care of. But then that leaves me with the question - where are we going to live in 30 days? This is a lovely thing to have to deal with while I am on EMERGENCY LEAVE. Ugh.

Back on the phone I go. I called up the Housing Office on Fort Bliss. I explained to the lady my situation. As she was telling me that I was still #56 on the waiting list, I said (as calmly as I could) 'I KNOW you can have a house available for me. I have been here for a year, have been on the waiting list since we got paper orders the day he graduated OSUT at Fort Benning, and I've known people with less rank and time in than we have who come into this office and get a house that day. So since you are already altering the rules, what can you do for me and my family?'. She told me she would see what she could do and would call me back. Not even an hour later, she called and said there was a house available but I would have to accept it in March in order to get it, or be back on the list. I accepted the house and we chose our date to sign the lease. So March 18th we will be signing that and moving in on the 19th.

There is so much to do in these next two weeks. I just hope I can keep my head on straight. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat over and over. I need a break from life. Just 5 minutes. If only.

Love, Me.