resisting relapse.

Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
And I am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart
Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife
(The Used 'I'm A Fake')

 (photo courtesy of google)

Some days it's hard to look forward when I know how easy it is to let go. I resist all the urges, but you will never know the daily struggle I face. It's killing me inside, and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about it. </3

Love, Me.

you can put it on the board, yes!

I really suck at blogging while on vacation. Here is another weeks worth of updates. Actually, a week and a few days. Last Friday and Saturday I did a whole lot of nothing. Sunday I went to Swedish days with Megan and her babies and her friend. There were only a few little rides for the two younger ones, and it was super hot, so we didn't stay too long. Monday we got everything together to leave for a few days. Tuesday we hung out at mom's house then went to the Mendota park with Jackie and Kenzi. Wednesday I went to Six Flags with Ashley. That was so much fun. I highly suggest the flash pass. We rode almost every big roller coaster, some of them twice. Thursday we headed to Rochelle. Friday we went swimming for a little bit. And today we are back in Oswego. Kari and I made a diaper cake for one of their friends baby shower. I went to Michaels without spending anything.. someone mark the calendar!

I've successfully kept off all the weight that I lost before I came to Illinois. Actually, I've lost 3 more pounds. Which means I am now only 35 away from my big goal. I know I can do it, but it's going to take a lot of work. I feel another plateau coming on already. But with this diet change due to the GERD, I'm sure it will be a bit easier.

I come home in a week. I have mixed feelings about that. I can't wait to get back and have a completed family, but I really don't want to leave the family and friends here behind again. It sucks. I wish we were stationed closer. 

The White Sox have won the last 2 games. If they win tomorrow, we will sweep the Cubs in this portion of the series. I think I might make a wager with these here lovely Cubs fans I am staying with haha. This explains the subject title. When watching on CSN (which we aren't during this portion of the series), anytime we get a home run they say 'You can put it on the boarddddd, yes!' Getting ready for a fun week. So much planned. Yay.

Love, Me.