thank you - my milky story.

This post is sort of inspired by the Facebook takeover of the '30 Days of Thanks'. I don't think it should be limited to 30 days, you should be thankful every day of the year, but I do have some people and things I am incredibly thankful for that I would like to share.

Those of you who know me personally know that I have been having quite the struggle with breastfeeding. It was something I was very much wanting to do. When I got pregnant with Lucas, I decided right then that he would be breastfed. Not because I have a problem with formula, but because I really wanted the bonding experience and to give him what came natural and free. Unfortunately, we had issues from the get go. I nursed through 4 weeks of intense, nonstop pain. One day my body shut down and went into shock. That story is in a previous blog. Long story short, I had to stop nursing to get myself well in order to properly take care of my children. It was the hardest decision I've ever made. Now to the thankful part. :)

First of all, to my husband. Even though he is thousands of miles away in an entirely different part of the world, he still supports any decision I make. He knew how badly I was beating myself up over it and offered words of encouragement to get me through those first few days. Together we came to the decision that I would try anything possible to get my milk supply back to continue my breastfeeding relationship with Lucas. In the meantime, he would have to be supplemented with formula. It was also decided that we wanted to find donors to continue giving him breastmilk along with the formula. Best decision ever, because his tummy does not take kindly to formula. Which brings me to person number two.

My birth doula, now a good friend. Angela had called to see how we were doing and I let her know what happened and that I had to stop nursing. Right away she offered to come nurse Lucas and help find donor milk. With her support, I have been able to keep pushing through all the obstacles. Even if I haven't seen much progress in myself, she sees it and lets me know. Some people might think letting someone else nurse your child is wrong. I do not. I think it was the most selfless thing she could have ever offered. I was physically unable to nurse and she fed my baby. That's something amazing. She was able to give him the nourishment he needed. Between her and I (mostly her), we have been able to acquire over 300oz of liquid gold for Lucas. This has helped his tummy tremendously, considering our cold turkey switch in the beginning of my health issues from breastmilk to formula really affected him in the digestion department. And that takes us to number three..

My donors. Aside from Angela nursing Lucas, I have had 4 very generous donors. Because of these ladies and their selflessness, I have been able to ease my little one's tummy issues with the formula. He usually has a 50/50 ingestion of breastmilk and formula a day. I try to do every other bottle, sometimes every 2 bottles, to spread out the current freezer stash. It made my heart so happy to see how quickly these women were willing to give up their own freezer stash to help my baby. Especially since I don't even know some of them personally (my doula does). I wish that I could give back like they have given to me.

I'd also like to thank my friend Holly. Because of her spending tons of time at my house to help me out, I've been able to let myself heal and not have to be stressed about the fact that I couldn't properly take care of my children. She has taken care of me, both of my boys, my house and her own daughter at the same time. She's fantastic. I don't think she realizes how much I appreciate her help!

And then there is Kim. Yes, you Kim Brady. I hope you are reading this. I know we've had some ridiculously stupid obstacles to overcome in the beginning of our friendship, but you probably made the biggest impact on me continuing to breastfeed. Remember when you first came home with Alyssa and we came to visit? I do. You were trying to feed Alyssa and I was in the room keeping you company. She wouldn't latch and you were so upset because she was upset. I kept telling you it was okay and you'd both learn as time went along. I had no idea what I was talking about and was just shooting things out of my mouth to try to make you feel better. I don't know if I made you feel better or not, but I'd like to think I did, lol. After I told you about me being sick, you told me that you were proud I went so long through the pain and that I shouldn't think down on myself because I was trying my hardest. You also said that you (and I quote directly.. really, I went back on Facebook and looked at the conversation, haha) "I PROMISE you it gets better. I'm the biggest baby in the world and I wouldn't have stuck with it if it didn't get better!" Then I thought about that day, sitting in your room and how you were having a rough time and how you stuck with it and now you are 7+ months in with it! I told myself that you were right, it HAS to get better. I'm at rock bottom. The only way to go is up! So thank you. I mean, I hate that you did have a hard time the first few days, but you overcoming it really helped give me the push I needed to make the decision to relactate and keep trying. 

Two groups, my due date group and Milky Mommas. Without them letting me come in and vent and offering words of encouragement, I definitely wouldn't be sitting here typing this out right now!

Finally, I am so thankful for our IBCLC, Monica, and the peer counselor who I've been working with, Laura. Since all this mess began, they have both called to check on me, made visits to my home to help me be more comfortable, and met with me in the clinic. They've taught me the vitals like hand expressing, how to use the pump correctly, how to improve his latch and haven't at all shown one sign of being upset when I don't get it the first time. 

I'm sure there are a million other things I can write here, but this is the main gist of it. For anyone and everyone who has been with me through this whole ordeal, be it by helping me take care of my kids, offering words of encouragement and praise, or donating the liquid gold.. you have forever touched a spot in my heart and I hope to one day be able to have such a positive impact on someone the way that you all have on me. Thank you, a million times over again.

As previously mentioned in another blog post, I plan to continue to try to relactate by using a SNS. I am determined to nurse my little, even if he is only eating donor milk through a tube. <3

it's been a while. update

Well, an awful lot has happened since I updated last. We officially made it through a whole month of deployment. Yay! I've also been working very hard to attempt to relactate to continue my breastfeeding relationship with Lucas. Unfortunately, I haven't had a whole lot of a progress. I let my nipples heal up and only nursed once a day. My supply is basically gone. It was gone within a few days. I had been drinking Mother's Milk Tea, Fenugreek Seed Tea, taking prenatals, eating oatmeal every morning, and even tried lactation cookies. Nothing. I've been working with the IBCLC on it. I've tried working with two different pumps. With those, I produce a whopping .25 ounces a day. Not per session, for the entire day. I know that baby can extract the milk way better than a pump, but that is still pretty depressing. My last hope is the SNS.  SNS stands for supplemental nursing system. The general idea is that he will still be on the donor milk (which I have been incredibly blessed with nearly 350 oz) and eating it through a tube that is taped to my breast. So he is stimulating my nipples and getting whatever milk I am producing, along with the donor milk. If that doesn't work, then I know I have done absolutely everything I could. At that point, I will accept it and just hope on everything that I can continue to find generous ladies to provide donor milk so he doesn't have to be on formula all the time.

Speaking of formula, it tears him apart. I am 99.9% sure he has reflux like I do. He spits up constantly, even on breastmilk. But ever since he has been on formula, his poor stomach is so upset. It gets rock hard and he has trouble pooping and burping. It breaks my heart. I have nothing against formula, but it just hurts him. I have been trying to get him in to see a doctor to get on a different formula (WIC requires a prescription to switch it to a soy formula), but that is a different part of the story. He has his 2 month appointment on November 15. 

Appointments. Someone, somewhere in the TRICARE office messed up his paperwork. We filled it out to keep him on Prime. According to the appointment line, he was switched to Standard and had to be seen off post. So I have to go into TRICARE and figure out what happened. We got that all fixed. But now the appointment line is giving me issues with making him an appointment for the reflux. They say they don't make appointments for that ahead of time and I had to call every day to see if there was a same day appointment. I know this is crap and that if there isn't an available appointment they can refer me to an urgent care, but they won't.

Conner has been having a hard time lately. I do not understand why, but it's been rough. He has been intentionally going to the bathroom in his pants. He's been potty trained for a year. Anytime he sees a guy in uniform and we are in the car, he tries to rip off the carseat buckle to get to that person. He's super mouthy, refusing to eat his food, fights me on EVERYTHING. I'm at my wits end. I honestly do not know how to handle it and I hate that feeling. 

As for myself, aside from the breastfeeding issues, I've had more health issues come up. I haven't been open about them because I don't want my husband to freak out. It scares me, but I know I have to deal with it as it comes and just hope it gets better. Trying my hardest to stay positive. For the moment, I have nothing more to update.