just my luck.

Yesterday morning I woke up with my throat a tiny bit sore. It wasn't bad enough even for a cough drop, so I didn't think too much of it. I went about my day and it didn't bother me at all. Last night, my neighbor came over. They were in a bit of a bind, so her and I went food shopping while the guys stayed at my apartment and watched the Dunk Contest with the kids. While I was there, I got a random burst of heartburn. Odd, since I had nothing different than I do every day. Then last night as I was laying down, my throat hurt a little bit more. I took tylenol and went to bed. I couldn't sleep for anything. In the middle of the night I woke up and my throat was so swollen. It's so bad you can just look at me and see how awful it is. I sound like walking death. My ears hurt now and I've had a headache. The swelling in my throat caused me to throw up (it was really just a bunch of phlegm since I hadn't eaten anything) and my nose is stuffy. Why now!? I have an appointment on Friday with the throat specialist and I'm pretty sure if I am still sick, they can't do anything. So if this isn't better by tomorrow, I'll be getting a referral to urgent care. Ugh.

On top of feeling like crap, I have to get these signs finished for next weekend. I need to do them while Chris is here, because Conner won't let me paint when it's just me and him. Which gives me the rest of today and then tomorrow to finish an example of a duty station sign, an example of the childrens wall plaque and bow holder, an example and a few cash and carry's of deployment/field countdown signs, and an example and a few cash and carry of our new product (which I am not saying here, as I want it to be a surprise when I post pictures). That is a lot of work. At least Chris got all of the cutting and sanding done yesterday and the base paint of most of them are done. The stenciling is the hardest part though. Very time consuming. But it will get done, and I'm praying we have a great turn out at this bazaar and that we get more business. For now, I'm going to have some soup and relax for a minute.

Love, Me.

the waiting game.

It's a running joke among the military. The motto is 'Hurry up and wait'. Boy, is that ever true in pretty much every aspect of the lifestyle! I had mentioned a few posts back about how I have been trying to lose weight for months and nothing was happening. For the past 2 months I called every single day to get an appointment, but they were always full. I finally got an appointment yesterday. My new PCM (Primary Care Manager) is fantastic! She had me write out everything I've done and how long I had done it for. She said that with everything I was/am doing, I should have lost a ton of weight. But here's me, fluctuating between the same 5 pounds as always. Since diabetes and thyroid issues run in my family, she sent me straight over from blood work. That is step one. On Monday I have to call to make a follow up for the results. From there we will decide the next step. 

I also saw her for an issue with my esophagus that I have had for years. When I eat and sometimes when I drink just water, it will get stuck in my throat and I can't breathe. I landed in the hospital with this issue in 2008. They were going to refer me to a specialist, however, by the time an appointment opened up I was pregnant. When you are pregnant they do not want to do any invasive procedures unless it is absolutely necessary. So I had to wait. Once Conner was born, Chris left for training for almost 5 months. Then we PCS'd here to Fort Bliss. It hadn't given me too much of a problem, so I didn't really want to go through the procedures. But in the past few months it's started acting up a lot more. It happens almost every time we go out to eat and it's happened in front of people at our PX. It's completely embarrassing because the only way to make myself able to breathe again is to throw up. So naturally, some people thought I was throwing up to make myself lose weight. Definitely not the case! Some people back home thought that as well, since I had been diagnosed with an eating disorder at a very young age. But I PROMISE I do not do that. It's a daily struggle, but I don't.

That being said, let me tell you a little bit about eating disorders. I've always been smaller (until I got pregnant of course). When I met my husband, I was only 110lbs. I'm short (5'4") so 110 makes me look sickly. But in my eyes, I was still fat. In the 6th grade I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. Summed up, what that means is that I would intentionally not eat to make myself lose weight. I would run and exercise all the time and a lot of times I'd wear clothes that were 10x too big so that others didn't catch on. I quite obviously gave myself away with those symptoms. After being diagnosed, I decided I needed to try a different way of losing weight. I was all set on eating healthy, but keep in mind I was still in the 6th grade. So I would binge and purge. I hid that very well though. It wasn't until the summer after my sophomore year that I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa. That landed me a stint in an institution where I would have 2 nurses sit there and watch me eat and then I was also under 24/7 watch to be sure I didn't purge. I was unable to go to the bathroom without someone in there with me. It was totally embarrassing but I knew I needed help. I made it through 'recovery', however, any doctor will tell you, it is a daily struggle with both disorders. There are other disorders too, but I chose to talk about these two since I have them. There are days I forget to eat. And the days I do eat, I usually count calories.. which can be completely helpful when trying to lose weight, but if you have an eating disorder, it's awful. Not only is it a daily struggle to not give in to these diseases, but I know if I do give in, it can be deadly.

Anyway, when I met Chris I let him know about the disorders. If he was going to be with me, he needed to know what he was getting into. I ended gaining 25 pounds with him helping me accept myself for gaining the weight. When I was at 135 I looked great! I wish I could be back there again. When I got pregnant, I quite obviously gained weight. I've not been able to lose much of it and I'm stuck in a rut. I know how easy it would be to just do what I use to do. But now I have a child, and I have to think of him. What would he do if the disorder took over and I wasn't able to properly care for him? What would happen if it DID take over and I paid the ultimate price? It's not fair to him. 

Thus, the said appointments. Now we will see if there is a medical problem causing me to not healthily be able to lose the weight. But like I said, here is the military game - Hurry up and wait. At this initial appointment yesterday, I did x-rays of my throat. I am being sent to a specialist to see what is wrong with my esophagus. And I know a lot of the issue may lie in the fact that I used to make myself purge. Just goes to show how it can affect you later in life. My first appointment with the specialist is the 25th of February. I also did blood work yesterday to see about the weight issue. Since the thyroid issues and diabetes run throughout the family, that could definitely be the culprit. Blood work is step #1. On Monday I have to call back to make a follow up for the results, then we will decide from there what to do. It's sad to have to admit these issues that I had in my past, but you know, I wouldn't be me today if I didn't go through everything I did in my past. That being said, don't judge me for who I was then, but take me for who I am now.

Love, Me.

my daddy, my hero.

Although Chris is an undeployable unit for the time being, I have a lot of friends who are going through deployments right now. It's always hard to have someone you love gone for 12-15 months. It's even harder when children are involved. The mom must not only be a mom, but also fill in where daddy is usually there. We spend uncountable sleepless nights crying for our children who just want to know why daddy is not at home to tuck them in bed. I found some poems that I wanted to pass on to my friends going through this.

'The world has many heroes
That have won a world of fame.
Heroes who have given their all
To win in life's great game.
But of all the famous heroes
That our changing world has had,
There is not one that I look up to
Or admire more than my dad.
To me my dad's a hero,
Though he'd turn away from praise.
He's heroic in his quiet strength,
And his gentle, giving ways.
He may not make the headlines,
And you won't see him on TV,
But I think my dad is everything
That a hero ought to be.
He always keeps his promises,
On that I can depend.
He's loyal to me no matter what
And he'll always be my friend.
So when I think of heroes,
And the great things that they've done,
I feel the way I've always felt
My dad's the greatest one!

'Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray, dear Lord, my soul you'll keep.
My mommy says I need to pray
For many others on this day.

But my daddy - he's a soldier,

Of this I'm sure you know.

He helps protect our freedom,

I was sad to see him go.

Although I know he's safe with you,
I'd rather have him here.
'Cause he's the one who always said,
With prayer, there is no fear.

Dear Lord, I know you hear me,
Way up there in the sky.
Please protect my daddy,
I wish he was here tonight.'

'My daddy is a soldier

He's often gone away

To some far off country

Where he has to stay.

I really miss my daddy
And I'm not sure what he does

Except he helps other people
Who need him very much.

At night when I say my prayers

I ask to keep daddy safe

So that he can come home to us

And sit in his favorite place.

I know that a day may come

When daddy won't come home

And it scares me even thinking

That we will be alone.

My daddy is a soldier

He's often gone away

And I am so very proud of him

Each and every day.

Come home to us daddy

When your job is done

I know that those people need you

But they aren't the only ones.

Love, Me.