it doesn't get easier

It's not an easy subject to talk about. Death. More specifically, death of a loved one. I wish I could say that I can count the funerals I've attended on one hand.,but the number off the top of my head is more than I can count on both. Over half of those have been family members. And here is the one conclusion I've come to: it never gets easier. We go through the exact same emotions. 

The initial shock.

The overwhelming sadness.

The 'did I's (i.e. Did I tell ___ that I love them?)

The regret for anything mean or rude you may have ever said to that person.

The reality of the situation.

The hole in the heart that can never be replaced.

Most of the time, to go along with that last one, you at least get closure. To say your final goodbyes. To kiss them one last time. Sometimes, you get stuck in a situation like we're in. 'Not immediate family'. Really? So because this person isn't my spouse, child, parent, sibling or grandparent.. we can never have closure. At least not with the rest of the family, the way it was intended to be. Instead, we will hold our own memorial here. Thank you, Army.

This morning around 6am, Chris's phone kept ringing. Mine was in the other room, so I had no idea mine had been ringing, too. I made Chris get up and answer it, but I knew something was wrong. Nobody ever calls us back to back unless something is. Unfortunately, we've experienced a lot of those back to back calls since we've been away from home. It was his mom. He started crying. I could tell it was what I didn't want to hear - someone else had passed away. He was able to choke out to me who it was, but that was about it. I knew we wouldn't be able to go, but I held on to a tiny hope that someone would feel compassionate enough to let us. No Red Cross messages will be going through today. Because an Uncle is not 'immediate' family. 

Last year, I sat here writing a blog about our emergency leave to spend a few days with Grandpa Don before we said our final goodbyes. It was one of my most viewed blogs. Now I sit here, almost a year later, writing about how we can't say our final goodbyes to his son, Chris's uncle, Conner's great uncle.. someone who has made us angry at times, laugh at others. Someone who supported Chris's decision about the Army, even though it was initially hard for him to accept. Someone that we have to find a way to honor since we are not allowed to go home. He would have been pissed with the Army. I can practically hear him ranting right this minute. Okay, seriously, I just cracked a smile. It's hard to imagine him angry. I've never really seen him angry. 

When I had Conner, he was one of the first ones to start telling me stories about Chris being little and how Conner was doing a lot of the things that he used to do. He'd show me pictures when we'd come visit and play with Conner until we had to go. There are two things I will continue to remember him by: his genuine love for his family and... the leg lamp from 'A Christmas Story'. :) Smiling yet? You should be. This is a celebration of life, not a goodbye in death. Or as we in the military like to call it, 'see you later'.

I currently have 2 tabs open. This one and Facebook. Open to yours. I didn't realize you had so many pictures with Conner. It's weird to watch him grow up in your arms. You were more than just his uncle. You were someone he remembered every time. Some people he'd have to warm up to. Not you. He knew his Uncle Kenny the instant he saw you. I know he won't understand it right now, but the next time we go home, he'll be so heartbroken to not get to see you. But he'll be able to keep your memory alive through all of these pictures from over the years.

the first time you got to meet each other:

Conner's first Christmas:

our last visit to Illinois:

Like I mentioned before, this is a celebration of life. You never ran out of funny stories to tell us in the short amounts of time we were able to visit. You were there for Christopher and for Conner (and me!). For that, I can never be thankful enough. We'll miss you more with every day that passes. Thank you for all the smiles and laughs that will eventually turn into wrinkles on my face. Until then.. we love you, Uncle Kenny!

old fashioned cheesecake

I seriously had a craving for cheesecake today. Out of nowhere, too. So I looked through my cook books and found an 'old fashioned' cheesecake. In other words, just a normal cheesecake. I added my own chocolate drizzle on the top to add some more flavor.

Ingredients:

9" pie crust

8 oz cream cheese, softened

1/2 cup white sugar

1 tablespoon lemon juice

1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/8 teaspoon salt

2 eggs

Preheat oven to 325F. In a large bowl, combine cream cheese, sugar, lemon juice, salt and vanilla. Mix until well blended. Add in eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each. Place pie crust on a baking sheet. Pour filling into the pie crust and bake for 30 minutes, until inserted knife comes out clean. Add fruit (or in my case the chocolate drizzle) on top and chill in the refrigerator for 3 hours.

cheddar stuffed burgers

We needed an easy meal tonight. This is about as easy as it gets. We have a griddle, so cooking it much faster. You can also do these on the grill or on your stove top.

Ingredients:

1 lb ground turkey or ground beef

1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon black pepper

1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese

1 tablespoon olive oil

hamburger buns

In a bowl, combine the ground turkey/beef, Worcestershire sauce, garlic powder, salt and pepper. Mix thoroughly. I've found the best way to get that done is to just use your hands. Divide mixture into 4-5 parts and roll each into a ball. Use your thumb to put a large hole in the centers and fill with about 2 tablespoons of shredded cheese. Mold the ground turkey/beef around the cheese to create the patty. If you are using a griddle or stove top, heat the oil over medium heat (or 275F on griddle). If using a grill, brush the patties with the oil before tossing them on the grill. The oil helps bring out the flavor. Cook until there is no pink left.. unless you like raw, bloody meat. Then by all means, cook to your standards. :) Add whatever condiments you like and have at it! As you can see from my picture, I had not added condiments yet. Also, the cheese had started to ooze out while cooking. Delicious!

bacon and cheese quiche

Now, we had guests over for dinner tonight. Chaney says that men should name food because 'quiche' sounds like a bunch of vegetables and should be spelled 'keesh'. Instead, he refers to it as the 'breakfast pie'. Lol. Overall, it was delicious! I did not use an uncooked, refrigerator pie crust like the recipe called for. I made my own. So, if you want to make it easier on yourself, just buy a premade, uncooked pie crust. If not, make one like I did. And I have to apologize. I forgot to take pictures until after we had served everything!

Ingredients (pie crust):

1 1/4 cups all purpose flour

1/2 cup butter (or 1 stick), unsalted, very cold and cut into 1/2 inch cubes

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1/2 teaspoon of white sugar

4 tablespoons of ice water

Combine flour, salt and sugar in food processor. Pulse to mix. Add the butter. Pulse until mixture resembles a coarse meal, with pea size butter flecks. Add ice water 1 tablespoon at a time, pulsing in between. Pinch crumbly dough each time. If it sticks together, it's ready. Remove dough and place in a mound on a clean surface. Smash the dough together into a partially flattened disk. Wrap tightly with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least an hour (can be up to 2 days). After the hour, lightly flour a surface and roll out into a 10" circle. Lay over pie plate and press slightly down to make sure the dough runs along the bottom and sides of the pie plate. Cover and Place back into fridge while bacon is cooking (read below).

Ingredients (quiche):

Pie crust (either refrigerated or made above)

1 tablespoon of butter

12 pieces of bacon, cooked and crumbled

8 oz shredded mozzarella cheese

4 eggs

2 cups heavy cream

3/4 teaspoon of salt

Preheat oven to 425F. Cook bacon and then crumble. Take crust out of the fridge. Melt the butter and brush the crust all over with it. Alternate spreading cheese and bacon in layers. In a large bowl, beat eggs. Add the heavy cream and salt and beat together. Pour over the bacon and cheese layers. Bake for 15 minutes. Turn the oven down to 325F and bake an additional 40 minutes. Let stand for 10 minutes before serving.

fettuccine alfredo

Since red sauce is a big no, I resort to white sauce because I LOVE PASTA.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup butter

2 tablespoons of cream cheese

1 pint heavy cream 

1 teaspoon garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon pepper

2/3 cup grated parmesan cheese

1 box of fettuccine pasta

In a medium sauce pan, melt the butter. Once butter is melted, add in cream cheese. When the cream cheese is softened, add the heavy cream. Mix well. Add in the garlic powder, salt and pepper. Simmer for 15-20 minutes over low heat, stirring constantly. Meanwhile, in a large pot bring 3 quarts of water to a boil. Add in pasta and cook for 13 minutes, until al dente. Remove the sauce from heat and add in the parmesan cheese. Pour over pasta and serve.

chicken fajita chowder

This is my last real meal for the next few days, so I knew I needed to make it count. Tomorrow I go in for my biopsy, and since it's invasive through my esophagus, I'll be living on broth. That's for another blog, though. Back to the chowder!

Ingredients:

1 lb boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cooked and cubed

1 medium green bell pepper, chopped

1 medium yellow bell pepper, chopped

1 medium red bell pepper, chopped

3 cups of water

2 cups frozen corn

1 cup of uncooked brown rice

1 cup of green enchilada sauce

1/4 cup diced green chiles

1/4 teaspoon of salt

4 oz shredded mexican cheese blend

8 oz sour cream

In the crock pot, mix together all ingredients except for sour cream and cheese. Cook on low for 4 hours. Add in sour cream and cheese until melted. It's really good with tortilla chips added in for some crunch or even garlic bread. 

chicken noodle soup

I love soup.

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups of egg noodles (or small shell pasta)

1 cup water

32 oz chicken broth

1/2 teaspoon dried parsley

1/2 teaspoon onion powder

1/4 teaspoon garlic powder

1/2 cup chopped carrot

1/2 cup chopped celery

1 cup cooked chicken, cubed

salt and pepper to taste

Mix all ingredients except chicken and noodles. Bring to a boil. Add in the chicken and noodles. Set heat to low and simmer for approximately 20 minutes, until noodles are cooked and vegetables are tender.