just some late night ramblings.

I'm just sitting here on Facebook and I've just realized that the only picture I have with my best friend is not on here. Which means it was from a regular camera (shows how long we've been friends, I didn't even own a digital camera when we met!) and I have no idea where that picture might be. How sad. This just means I have to get another picture out of him while I am here. I'm sure that won't be hard to do. If he ever gets a freaking day off from work again so we can hang out. I miss the hell out of him. I miss the old days. We still talk to each other pretty much every day, but ughhh. Soon I have to go back to El Paso and then he's off to Indiana to finish the rest of his college, then who knows. :( I know the distance doesn't mean a thing for our friendship. I just wish I could be around him more.

I only have two weeks left here. I mean, we're coming back in August for a week and some days, but still. The past 3 weeks have just flown by. This upcoming week I have jam packed with seeing people and I am attempting to do the same for the week after. I really hate being so far from everyone. I hate that I can only see them once or twice a year. Oh well, that's the Army way of life. Boo.

I only have 3 more sections to do for this pharmacy technician course. Then I have to sign up to take the exam. I'm honestly starting to wonder if I am even going to do anything with it. It wasn't my first choice on a career. It's kind of sad seeing all of my friends graduating from college when I haven't even went. I messed up my entire life by dropping out of high school. All because I wanted to party and live it up. God, I was so stupid. If I have any regrets at all, that is my biggest one. My second one would be not going to college. 22 years and what have I got to show for myself? Not a damn thing. I mean, I have Conner, but still.

There are literally hundreds of things going through my head right now. Some of them I can't bring myself to write here. This is a very pointless post. Just one to get some things out of my head. I deleted a bunch of people from Facebook again. I hate when people add you and never talk to you. Although I am sometimes guilty of it. There I go being a hypocrite again. Ugh. 

RJA song stuck in my head. Nothing unusual. Usually happens when I start thinking about my best friend. Yes, I have a song with my best friend. I might be lame, but oh well. I love it. I can feel my heart beating in my throat. Weird. And it's really hot in this room. I'm going to give up thinking tonight.. ha, because that can happen.

Love, Me.

i feel like me again.

So here is a week's worth of updates. My last update was last Thursday when I finally got a diagnosis. Friday I didn't do much other than get my medicine. Saturday I headed out to Rochelle to spend some time with the in laws. Sunday was Father's Day and we Skyped with Chris. Monday Conner got to spend some time with Nana while Auntie Kari and I went to Crosstown Classic. We lost, but it was still a good time. Tuesday he stayed with Nana again. We had some pretty nasty weather. I got to see my best friend, though, so weather didn't matter much. Wednesday I just hung out in Oswego. And here it is Thursday and I am doing the exact same thing.

Exactly one week after getting a diagnosis. I've been on the medication this past week and it really does seem to be helping. Because I was unable to swallow pills, they had to make it in liquid form for me. I believe it has gotten into my system much faster because of that. Once I have a follow up in El Paso I will get the pills. This liquid is so awful. I ended up losing 4 pounds during the week leading up to the diagnosis. And today I am drinking my first caffeinated beverage since the diagnosis. I don't even really want it, just tired of drinking water.

As for me, well, this is the happiest I've felt in a while. I feel like me again. Maybe it is because I am getting to see all the people I used to see all the time and have been away from for forever. I just saw my best friend two days ago, and I miss him! I want to just bring all my friends back to El Paso with me so I don't have to be without them. I'm so thankful for all of them. Especially the ones who have been with me through so much, and haven't let go just because of distance. I LOVE YOU!!!

I really don't want to go back to El Paso. Like, ever. =/

Love, Me.

finally a diagnosis.

I ended up being in so much pain that I had to go to the emergency room today. Once I explained my symptoms and let them know that this has been an ongoing thing that I am seeing a specialist for back in El Paso, they were able to diagnose me in less than 5 minutes. Can you believe that? 5.freaking.minutes. I have been seeing this ENT specialist since February, and he has not been able to do that. I've been through test after test, that apparently was useless. And it turns out my instincts were right, I have GERD.

For the longest time, I thought GERD was only diagnosed in babies. Then one day I got to talking to a friend about my symptoms, and she said she had the same symptoms and was diagnosed with GERD. So I used WedMD.com to see if this was what I had. I had almost every single symptom. 

GERD: Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) is a condition in which the stomach contents (food or liquid) leak backwards from the stomach into the esophagus (the tube from the mouth to the stomach). This action can irritate the esophagus, causing heartburn and other symptoms.

You need medication to correct this. The thing is, it can become less severe or completely corrected, and after I get off the medication, it can come right back. So while I am here in Illinois, I have been prescribed 'Magic Mouthwash' to numb my throat enough to where I can at least get liquids down. It doesn't completely numb it, but it numbs it to where it is tolerable to drink and eat soft things. Tomorrow I pick up my Prevacid, which they had to specially prepare as a liquid instead of the pills, since I can't swollen anything right now. Praying so hard that this medicine takes care of the problem so I can go back to El Paso and shove it in the ENT's face.

I have been researching GERD since I got home from the hospital. After reading over the discharge papers, I noticed that there are a lot of things that I can no longer eat/drink. I have to give up pop, which is fine by me, since I was trying to give that up anyway. I can't have spicy food, which is going to suck because I loooove mexican food. I have to cut back a lot on dairy. No meats except for white meat. No tea or coffee (boo, no Starbucks!). No citrus fruits. No acidic juice. No peppermint or spearmint. Pretty much everything that is delicious, I can't have. I can't lay down until 3 hours after I have eaten. I can't lay flat at night, since it makes the pain worse (which sucks because I sleep best when laying flat). Instead of eating 3 regular meals, I have to eat 5-6 small meals. Exercise more (good, now I have no choice to!). 

So much to take in, and this is going to mean a complete lifestyle change. But I am so happy that I finally have a diagnosis. Now I just have to make a follow up appointment for when I get back to El Paso to confirm the diagnosis. I will still need to do the upper GI barium swallow to see if I have ulcers in my esophagus, and if that shows up positive, then I will need to get another tube shoved down in me. Yay for medical procedures, not. So day 1 of diagnosis - almost done. We'll see how this pans out.

Love, Me.

vacation update #2.

Been a few days since I updated. Here is what we've been up to the past few days. On Monday, we went to the Brookfield Zoo with Ashley. Conner's first time on a train. He did great! He got a little cranky around lunch time, but aside from that, we had a great time. Tuesday we hung out with my mom and sister, and then later that night I went out with a friend. Wednesday we spent the day with mom and Mandy and then headed back to Oswego that night. 

Last night my esophagus started acting up again. It just keeps getting worse. I called TriCare and they said it could take a minimum of 2 weeks to get a referral to see a doctor up here, so it wouldn't be worth the struggle of begging them for one. This morning it was even worse than last night. Hurt to even drink water. I've barely eaten anything today because it hurts too badly. Finally got my fever to break and I'm not getting light headed anymore, but this stupid throat is still bothering me. Really hoping it goes away by this weekend.

That's about it in a nutshell. Will update again in a few days.

Love, Me.

end of week one.

I can't believe that tomorrow I will have been in Illinois for a week already! I've done so much that it has just flown by. Here is what we've been up to since my last update.

Thursday I went to get my first pedicure. And it was a child free hour. Very relaxing. Kari, Conner and I went and are at the mall. Friday morning we packed a bag for the weekend and headed to our first stop of the day: my mom's house. My cousin Ashley came by to see us while we were there. So awesome seeing her! I hadn't seen her since Conner was a few months old. We hung out there for a few hours and then went to Rochelle to spend the weekend with my in laws.

Friday night was really simple. We ordered some food from this place in town called Sully's. Saturday, Makayla got there around 2pm and was going to stay the night! Krissa and I took her and Conner to the park. It is very tiring chasing a 3 year old and a 20 month old around! After that, we stopped at McDonald's for some ice cream and they wanted to play in the play place. However, they did not want to climb up by themselves, so I ended up climbing it with them to go down the slides. Yes, I can still fit up in there. I was shocked, haha.

Today (Sunday), we had Makayla's party. It was supposed to be Saturday, but got switched to Sunday. It was awesome to see all the family again. Conner and Makayla loved playing in the bubbles and the adults got to play some too. Bags.. I really suck at that game. Or I just really suck against people with some experience. Either way, I only won once. Haha.

Lots to do this upcoming week. Will update again in a few days :)!

Love, Me.

let the vacation begin!

Greetings from Illinois! Haha. Conner and I began our vacation on Monday. Had a bit of a delay at El Paso International Airport. Due to the smoke from the fires in Arizona, our original plane was going to be delayed almost 2 1/2 hours. They got us another flight. We flew into Phoenix and had a 1 hour layover. Grabbed some lunch and watched the airplanes landing and taking off. Then boarded and into Chicago we flew. Since we were in Arizona, we had to fly right by the fires. I got a few shots of the smoke from the plane window.

It was crazy. Went on for miles and miles. Conner was flirting around, like always. We even colored a bit. All in all, he's a very good baby on flights.

We got into Chicago around 7:30pm. Greeted by Kari and Stephen. We've spent a few days in Oswego with them. Friday, we are headed to visit with my mom and sister for the day and then to Rochelle to stay the weekend with Krissa and Gene. Brian gets Makayla for the week, so we're celebrating her 3rd birthday this weekend. I'm so excited! The last time I saw her in person was her birthday last year. I can't wait to see everyone else. I'll update in a few days or so, unless I have something else interesting to say in between.

Love, Me.

letting go.

It's almost 4 in the morning, and I've been up for a while. The power randomly went out, and thanks to my insomnia, I was able to make sure the husband got up in time. However, having insomnia gives me a whole lot more time to think about things. That is a gift and also a curse. 

The past month I have been thinking about this one specific thing. I knew I had to make a decision, I just didn't want to. This morning, I made that decision. And as much as I wish I could just change everything and make it all okay, I have to realize that I am not superwoman, nor am I God. Everything that has and will happen was meant to, and my making this decision was part of that. 

These lose/lose situations are always shitty. Someone is going to get hurt in the end, and it is usually me. This time, I think it will be both parties, however, I could be wrong. I've been wrong about the person this whole time. But when I actually have to live in fear, that is where I NEED to draw the line. And it took a few people telling me that before I fully understood what they meant.

I don't want to go into detail about the who's and what's.. those of your who I have talked to already know the situation. And if you truly want to know, this will be a private conversation, and not announced to the world via Blogger. Long story short, and minus all the crucial details, I have to say goodbye to a friend for good. Someone who I thought would be sticking around for a while. But my family is more important than a friendship, end of story.

People are not always who you think they are. Some people are really good at hiding things, but in time, their true colors will come out. Sometimes they come out quickly, other times it takes years. Be careful of who you trust. You might just end up in this situation in the end.

Love, Me.

don't let the world change your smile..

...change the world with your smile. :)

My favorite thing is meeting positive people. Even if I only have the chance to meet them for a brief moment. A good friend used to tell me to always smile because I never knew who was watching and a smiling face could change the whole tone of that person's day. Was he ever right! 

I've been stressed to the max lately with school, Conner being a pain, all the issues with the house, and worrying about this upcoming vacation. To top that all off, my wisdom teeth have decided that it's a good time to make an appearance. With everything going on, I still manage to put on a smile. It's the most simple gift to someone, and it's free. 

There are two reasons behind writing this blog. The first is a Facebook page called Smile Fort Bliss. It's administrated by two friends of mine. It never fails to make me smile when I am feeling down. To have so much positivity in one area is awesome. The second is that sweet old man at the PX who told me I made his day, all because I smiled at him. We got to talking about this and that, and it turns out he was having a pretty awful day due to health problems. He said that by Conner and I smiling his way, he had an instant boost of happiness. In turn, it made my day knowing that I could make someone's day that easily. I never even got his name, but I don't think I'll ever forget him.

There is nothing wrong with being upset sometimes, but don't let it get the best of you. Wake up every morning and tell yourself that today WILL be a good day, and then make it that way. Things are going to happen, but it will get better. Every end is a new beginning. And I quote Annie 'You're never fully dressed without a smile.' - so don't be naked! SMILE!!

Love, Me.