i'm not perfect, but this is MY life.

I'm writing this for 2 reasons. 1. I'm tired of seeing/hearing people talk trash about this and 2. It is my life and I shouldn't have to live with secrets for fear that friends/family will disown me. So, if you feel you are disgusted with me after my posting of this, delete me from Facebook, delete my number from your phone, forget I exist. This goes for friends AND family.

First thing I want to talk about: abortion. I don't ever see an in between with this controversial topic. You are either Pro-Life or Pro-Choice. Some people have the decency to be civil with people who are on the other end. Since, you know, everyone is entitled to their opinion. But when you have friends/family who make you feel like crap over having an opinion, that is when something needs to change. I am Pro-Choice. I feel that, as long as it is done in the legal allotted time, this is a personal decision that nobody should be criticized for. You don't know a specific persons struggles. You don't know if they CAN survive a pregnancy. So DON'T freaking judge someone before you know their story. The ONLY time I am against abortion would be if someone continually uses it as birth control. In that case, they are just too lazy to use contraceptives. So why am I talking about this issue? BECAUSE I HAVE HAD AN ABORTION. There, I said it. Now, here is my story. Like I said, if you want to judge me because of it, then forget I exist. If you feel the need to express your opinion to me before you forget I exist, I welcome it. But just know it's going to go in one ear and out the other and I could care less what you have to say about me. Once again, it is MY life, MY story, MY decisions.

Chris is the first and only guy I have ever had sex with. I was on birth control AND we used a condom, and I still got pregnant. This was only 5 months after we'd been together and I knew we were in no position to raise a child. I did not tell him it was positive, although he knew I took the test. I went and had the abortion with my own money, on my own time, and told him about a week or so after I had done it. He agreed that it was the best for us. By the way, I was only about 6 weeks along. It was still an embryo. I was 18 years old, living in a 1 bedroom apartment with the guy I'd been seeing for less than half a year. Although we had been EXTREMELY careful, I still got pregnant. So, nobody can say I used this as a 'birth control' option. You might be asking 'why not just go through with the pregnancy and put the baby up for adoption?' Because I was scared, felt alone, felt like my family and Chris's family would disown me to have been pregnant. Now I feel they will disown because I aborted it. And let me just tell you, for those of you thinking I'm a selfish bitch for doing this and that I had/have no heart for it: this was the single hardest decision I've EVER had to make in my life. But I do not regret it. I KNOW it was what was right for me. And can I just point out, that I had confided in very minimal friends about this all to be slandered over it. NONE of my family or Chris's family even knows that this pregnancy and abortion ever happened. Until now, if they read this blog. I don't want to feel like I have to hide from anyone anymore. I can understand someone being upset with me over it, but they need to realize that this was our choice. And if people feel the need to disown us over this, of course we will be sad. But that is their choice. As much as I hope it doesn't happen on either the friend or family spectrum, I know it is bound to. So go ahead and call me a baby killer, heartless, whatever you feel like. But if you don't think that I think about this every single day, you are very wrong. Like I said, I don't regret it because I know it was the right thing for us, but there are always 'what if's' that come up.

Next discussion: miscarriage. I recently had someone tell me that I will NEVER be able to console someone who has been through a miscarriage, because I haven't been there before. Wrong again. A week and a half ago, I had a miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I've been on birth control since I was cleared after Conner was born, and I have never missed a pill. When we were on emergency leave, I had a weird 3 day spotting, but not enough blood to even wear a pantyliner. I took an EPT in Illinois and it was negative. I decided that it was just due to all the stress. In March I had what seemed like a very short period. I started spotting again though about a week after my period stopped. Then all of a sudden I started cramping really bad after we moved in to this place. Thursday (31st of March) I was cramping so bad I could barely sleep. Then Friday morning I passed a few clots, which whatever, sometimes you have those during a period and I thought I was just having a messed up cycle from the irregular period in February. Keep in mind, I was still taking my BC normally. Later Friday morning I passed something that initially looked like a clot (and this might sound gross) but after I cleaned it off, it was not a clot. It was a small rubbery textured thing. Tel-a-Nurse told me it sounds like I had a miscarriage. I told her there was no way I was pregnant, took another EPT which was negative. Later that night I passed a second rubbery thing. I went and got a blood test. My levels were very low, meaning yes, I was pregnant, but I was not very far along at all and the miscarriage was most likely due to the combination of 1. taking BC still, 2. lifting all those heavy things during the move and 3. stress of everything happening recently. My levels are zero now. Oh, and yes, I do see the irony of miscarrying on April 1st since so many people played the 'OMG I'm pregnant... April Fools!' joke. Anyway, I went about my weekend, masking the physical pain of it. Went to a birthday party, hung out with friends for a BBQ, all the while bleeding like I would never stop. It stopped this past Monday but I still have cramps from it. Here is the thing though, my biggest motto in life is that everything happens for a reason. There was some reason that God decided it had to be this way. Of course we are sad about it. I keep telling myself I can't be too upset, since I was not even aware I was pregnant until after I was done passing the baby. In conclusion of this part of it, I DO know how you feel. Nobody is intentionally trying to upset you by telling you things like 'it wasn't meant to be' or 'everything happens for a reason'. They are trying to make you feel better. And while it probably won't make you feel better at the moment, don't be rude to people who are only trying to be there for you.

Now that I've exposed myself, bring on the criticism. To everyone judging me and who don't want to talk to me after this, good riddance. If you really cared about us, you would not make us feel awful for our decisions. 

Love, Me.